I hate sundays

It´s been almost three months now.
I manage to forget for hours, sometimes days, but at sunday evening it´s all back.
I remember, many years ago, I felt pretty bad and read this sentence " Time does not heal wounds...you only get used to the pain."
Sadly true.
I can forget it for a while, imprison the pain for some hours and feel joy, laugh again...but it is a short living security. The meories always return, especially in the night. I can´t sleep...and I´m happy when I don´t remember anything when I wake up.
It feels cold...not like a winters night full of snow and frozen rain is cold.
It´s cold like a world where every live has ended, a dead world... like a large grave is cold.
And it´s empty, not like a bottle can be empty...like a universe is empty after all stars are dead.

She died, even if her body is still breathing and I can only hope that she is not awake to feel it...not awake to understand that she´s imprisoned in herself.
On sundays, when the sunlight is fading, I feel the same. Like a dead body that is forced to stay alive.
I´m among friends...but feel alone. The world seems like a movie, not real, not alive. It´s like I´m the only living being here...more or less alive. My body feels strange...like a puppet.
As I write this I know about the knife, just a step away. I could end this, find peace.
But I made a promise, and I keep my promises.
And by the way, it frees me from the problem of fear. I may not love live, but I´m still scared of death.

Oh this bittersweet memories. I see her in the sun, feel her in the wind, hear her in music.
Wherever I look I find things she liked, places where we were together, happy.
And now these memories are just pictures of a live that is over. Gone forever.
She´s gone and I feel like my soul slowly followes her, like I´m slowly bleeding out.

This is so poor. The world is full of pain and grief. So many people lost so much and I´m crying about my love.
A look in the nwes shows so much death, so much suffering...and so many people who don´t give up.
But I can´t take it, I´m too weak.
I only know that she didn´t deserve this. Her live was difficult, my own problems were cute and tiny, compared to what she had survived.
But live isn´t fair.

It somehow feels like drowning, my throat hurts. I feel like something´s choking me.
I don´t know why I write this, if someone will read it or if I even care.
Maybe I´ll delete this when I´m done, I don´t know yet.
I don´t know many things.
The world became a darker place, from the moment when I took the phone and was greeted with the word "Are you sitting?"
It hurts, like it did in that moment.
I was afraid of this since....since ever. I was always scared when I coulnd´t phone her, there was harldy a day withinh two years where I didn´t hear her voice.
Now it´s quiet for almost three months.
So terrible quiet.
The nigh has changed. Once it was somehow exciting when the world became dark and cold. I loved to wander around in the night.
Now it only feels like a cold blanket that suffocates me.
When it´s quiet I´m alone with myself.
And that´s not good.
Sinday evening are quiet.
I hate sundays since June 13th.